Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
