The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
