tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
