i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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