Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize