Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
