Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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