Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
