I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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