genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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