I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
