She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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