Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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