I will die if light touches me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
