who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
