I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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