No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
