Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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