Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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