3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
