i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
