DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize