She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
