I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
