So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
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