I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
