My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize