yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
