I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
