It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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