Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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