How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
