Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
