so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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