Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
