who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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