Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
