I wish I only lived at night.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
