You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
