so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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