I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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