So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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