i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize