then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
