found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
