I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize