my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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