im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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