and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
