i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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