saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
