Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
