R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
