I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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