You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
