if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
