I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
