never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
