Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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