I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
