Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
