We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
