Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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