bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
