I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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