I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize