I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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